Day – 28: telling people

All this secrecy is making things complicated. Today, I told my partner I had set a quit date, in a month. He didn’t really understand because I thinks I am already 99% sober. I told him that the cravings (I didn’t mention the actual drinking) happen when I am alone, not when he is around. He understood and was supportive, and told me that “I was already doing it”, which in a twisted way is true as far as the three last days are concerned. Anyway, now he won’t think it’s weird if I suddenly become obsessed with sobriety. I’ve been talking a lot about it for the last 3 days. Today I noticed that the irritability of the last two days has transformed into a high sensitivity and tenderness. I am also on my period.

Also, today, out of the blue, my mother called.My mother is a heavy alcoholic, and a retired addictologist… Sigh. We live on different continents- both physically and emotionally. I spent most of my life angry at her, but now we keep things civil. Mind you, I suppose we did even during all those years when I was angry. We are one of those families that doesn’t talk about stuff and keeps it all nice and repressed. My sister smokes a ton of weed. My brother goes out and drinks and does Molly regularly. My other brother is a workaholic. I am the only one in the family to have EVER gone to therapy. My sister is still too afraid to go.

Today, on the phone my mother was drunk and slurring her words, it was 10 pm where she lives. But at least she seemed in a somewhat ok mood. When I announced my desire to be sober for 3 months, she asked if “this another one of your starvation meditation retreats where they only give you vegetable juice?” (This, I believe, is a reference to the 10 day Vipassana meditation retreat I went on last summer, where they serve plenty of delicious vegetarian FOOD, and there is absolutely nothing involving starvation or vegetable juice, in case you were wondering). She then asked me if I was sure I was not being paranoid about being an alcoholic. Ahem. This, I know, is coming from her own denial and need to protect herself from guilt and aggression. I get it. I also made sure to make the whole conversation about me, not about her. (I even refrained from laughing when she said “I am your mother, Lucy, not your addictologist, so I am not the person to give you advice”… I refrained from saying that I didn’t ask for any advice!). To her question about me paranoid in my desire to stop drinking (i.e. her denial of my, and therefore her, alcoholism), I responded that drinking every day, finding it VERY hard to not drink and drinking in secret were all probably sufficient red flags to justify a break. She had no counter-arguments. My mother drinks to “deal with her anxiety” and pours her first glass of wine at 11:00 AM. She doesn’t stop until she goes to sleep. She literally does nothing else but drink and sit in front of the TV now that she is no longer working. When she worked she would drink about two bottles of red wine every evening. I have given up on trying to change/help/save her. Her drinking has always been a huge taboo in our family, For years she couldn’t even deal with talking about it. Once especially difficult year (I must have been 18), I told her how I really felt. I let it all out. My outburst caused a huge conflict, lead us to drift apart for a couple of years, but made no difference in her drinking. I have known her to drink as early as 7:00 AM during especially difficult times of her life, like when her father died. She is a sad woman. She has made a lot of people around her sad too. But at the age of 31, I have reached a point where I am sad for her, for us, but not angry anymore. It’s still hard – watching her carry her wine box and glass into the passenger’s seat of the car because she can’t sit for 30 minutes without a drink – watch my dad pretend everything is normal – watch and say nothing either, except maybe a sigh of disbelief and anger. This is how I grew up: say nothing, keep quiet, don’t make things worse).

By the end of our phone conversation this afternoon, she was drunkenly ranting about something else, and I was fighting back tears of frustration at having to JUSTIFY myself about being sober instead of finding some kind of support. When we hung up she was encouraging, though. She even said something about me being an “extraordinary person” (in response to me reassuring her and saying that apart from the meditating and the sobriety, I would still be a “normal” person). Maybe she was worried that I would cut myself off from the family – my cousin who is in AA refuses to see anyone who drinks (too bad our whole family drinks)… more on that another day. She said “I love you” and I muttered “I love you bye” before hanging up. I said it to her for the first time this year, on the phone. It was a big step. It’s still hard for me to say. I have never said it to her (or to my father or siblings) in person. Yep… nice and repressed, that’s how we do 🙂

Naively thinking that I might find support in people my own age, I texted a friend from abroad who had expressed worry to me last year about her drinking habits. I told her I had signed up for a 3 month sobriety challenge. Well guess what… she was ALSO SKEPTICAL ! She warned me to “avoid extremes”, cause those are “always bad”. It’s as if the people I told today were clinging to their desire for me to keep drinking, JUST A LITTLE BIT. After feeling sorry for myself, then remembering that I am not doing this for other people (or to get their support/approval/validation), it hit me: some people might want their friends and loved ones too keep drinking because that keeps the problem (their own problem) buried under the surface. Maybe they want me to still drink, but moderately in exactly the same way that the alcoholic part of me keeps begging for JUST ONE DRINK. Which is almost never just one. Anyway, whatever their motives are, I know that I just want to spend a significant period of time WITHOUT having to think about or fight against the desire for MORE alcohol. It’s so exhausting to have to say “no” once you have had a bit. I don’t want to live with the constant need to control, to moderate, to refrain, to feel frustrated, to be unsatisfied. With alcohol off the table entirely, I am FREE from that nagging desire. I can free up mental space and emotional energy for other stuff. This is why I wanted to call my blog “There is more to life than just beer” (and not “stop doing this really bad thing, you bad person”): I want to explore the multiple things that life has to offer once I get rid of this thing that had become my single object of obsession and used up SO MUCH time and attention that I literally was not interested in anything else. Oh, and THIS IS THE THIRD DAY IN A ROW without a drink, the second by myself. I feel vulnerable and also kind of proud.

No matter what you are trying to do, remember, you can do it!

Published by nomorebeer

Learning how sobriety helps you ENJOY life.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Sober Since Covid

Traversing Sobriety: Tales, Tips, and Tricks

The No Wine Shine

The ups downs and rounds and rounds of going alcohol free

Without the whine

Exploring the heart of what matters most

Laura Parrott Perry

We've all got a story to tell.

Natural Skin Care Love

Naturally Beautiful Skin ... At Any Age!

Moderately Sober

Finding my contented self the sober way

Wine to Water

Choosing to Live Rather than Exist

Mounzer Darwich

Be dedicated...................... Blog for free debate and dialogue in the affairs of society, family and people

New Beginnings

My Journey to Staying Sober.

mydegreeme

Forever Student, Never PhinisheD

Drug, Alcohol, Gambling, And Eating disorder Recovery https://localbitcoins.com/buy-bitcoins-online/?ch=1c2wt

Drug and alcohol recovery, Help for addiction, alcoholism, eating and gambling disorders, free help for drug addiction and alcoholism,free resource guide for drug addiction and alcoholism

The Wandering Enigma

The experience, strength and hope of a recovering addict struggling with the disease of addiction.

lifebeyondhedonism.com/

Celebrating the beauty in sobriety

100 Days to Sparkle

Aiming for 100 continuous days of sobriety in order to reclaim my sparkle 

Letitgocoach

Never Settle. Don't even think about it.

SoberJo

My experiences on getting and staying sober one day at a time

fromwretchedtorecovery.com

Alcoholism Recovery Blog

Holistic Steph

musings on healing, wellness and self-love

Reasons to Live For

Here to give you lots of reasons to live

Ron Tamir Nehr

Self Empowerment & Business Coaching

Simplify Tasks

Want to learn the simple way?

Wake up!

Operation Get A Life

Storm in a Wine Glass

I used to drink and now I don't

Finer Yoga

striving to empower others

Stacking the Bones

The journey of self-healing through yoga, meditation, and writing-it-out.

To Write or not to Write and What to Write

#shortstories #thoughts #reflections

Drunky Drunk Girl

A blog about getting sober

saania2806.wordpress.com/

Philosophy is all about being curious, asking basic questions. And it can be fun!

Roaming & Recording Yogi

roaming around the world and recording it all along the way

Walking in Sober Boots

Footfalls on a Path of Recovery

Ditching the Wine

Getting myself sober; the ups and downs

A Multitude of Musings

On the Way to Wholeness

Pointless Overthinking

Understanding ourselves and the world we live in.

GettingSoberGal

Just a gal trying to get sober

msnewleaf

my life without alcohol

ainsobriety

Trying to ace sober living

Emotional Sobriety Means Healing Mind, Body, and Soul

Your Childhood Holds the Key to Who You Are. Codependency is the Engine Under All Addictions.

The SMILF Diaries

Fueled by redbull and crude humor

Faded Jeans Living

By Dwight Hyde

boozebrain

a joyous, grateful and muddled recovering alcoholic & his ramblings

The State Of Being Sober

Margot's Movement. A journey of sobriety and saying no to the Sauvignon. Once, and for all.

%d bloggers like this: