Wow, today was a strange one. Being sober 100% of the time. SO MUCH FREE TIME. And empty space. Strangely, I am sleeping WAY MORE than when I woke up hungover. That’s not what I would have imagined, what about you?
Here comes the first “hard” part of these last few “practice” sober days. I can’t say I wasn’t warned. So many blogs say to be careful, that the real s**t starts after the first 2-3- days, not to get too exited.
Tonight I feel sad. I’ve had a productive day, but coming home and having nothing special to do after 8:00 pm is showing me how much empty space there is. I also saw a photo of my partner (who is on tour for a few days) in an intstagram story where he is at a bar having fun with a drink sitting in front of him. Yeah, he is not addicted to alcohol, he can have a drink once in a while and not want another straight after. For the five years that I’ve known him, he’s turned down the second drink that I would be dying for, 90% of the time. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him drunk. Before starting our relationship, we would go for a beer sometimes. I would be craving the second half way through the first, would finish mine, then be about to order another when he would just hand me his half empty glass and say : “here, do you want to finish mine instead? I’ve had enough”. Hah. Enough. I wish I knew how that felt. For me there was either never enough, or enough was too much, i.e., stumbling into bed.
Tonight I feel like I am missing out on life, though, locking myself up by myself to be sober. This I know I will have to deal with during my 3 months sober: the impression (hopefully, the illusion?) of having a boring, lonely, empty life. One of my greatest fears.
OK... EMOTIONAL REGULATION TOOLBOX, here we go! Whassup?
I feel miserable. That’s ok. Let the wave pass, it’s ok to feel this way. Now, time to examine your thought patterns.
What is REALLY going on?
FACT. Actually, for the last three weeks I have locked myself up alone to be able to drink in the evening.
FACT. Today, I went out and saw a friend. Yesterday I went out and saw a different friend. Tomorrow I have plans to see another, third friend. That’s more people than I’ve seen in the last month, where all I wanted to do was be by myself so I could “unwind” and have that beer. So technically my life is LESS lonely than when I was drinking every day. My feeling of loneliness and missing out has more to do with the fact that 1) I have FOMO from the boyfriend being on tour 2) I am sitting here with myself, with nothing to numb my feelings. I’m trying to remember that it’s ok to feel raw, and it will pass. I WILL NOT DRINK TONIGHT EITHER, despite feeling sad. And it’s ok.
ps. I also started learning to play the Djembe today, which I NEVER would have done that if I’d been drinking. Sobriety toolbox will have to include new enjoyable activities to do sober.
pps. Emotional regulation toolbox number 2. I texted boyfriend (about unrelated stuff), who responded 3 seconds later. He is emotionally available. I am only alone if I make myself alone.