Day 14: Two Weeks!

Photo by Michelle Riach on Pexels.com

Two week, y’all… hooraaaaay !

How time has flown by!! I almost want to make the “standing ovation” joke, as does my buddy Jim Simmonds in his own “two-week alcohol free” post (check out his blog if you haven’t already!)

https://formerdrinker.wordpress.com

But as Jim so wisely says: two weeks is “OK, not bad. It’s a start”. And indeed, some of my “normal” friends (the ones I find myself spending more time with nowadays) sometimes don’t drink for a whole month -or even two- and find that it’s no big deal.

But still, I am happy (dare I say, proud?) to have come this far. I think that I have only been sober for this long on two other occasions since I was 15 years old. And both of those were last year!

One was a “1 month” challenge that I did (alone) last winter, and during which I basically WAITED until I was “allowed” to drink again. The other was a 10 day Vipassana meditation retreat I went on that previous summer, during which I was much too busy learning how to meditate to even think about drinking, and where drinking was not even an option, so staying sober was easy. This is not the post for this, but I am realizing now how instrumental the ‘discovery’ of meditation was in my desire to lead a healthier lifestyle and consider giving up drinking (i.e. self-medicating with alcohol) for a considerable period of time (i.e. more than the 2 days it takes to recover from a hangover). As I gained better coping mechanisms that help(ed) me accept reality as it is (and not how I want it to be), it became less necessary to “drown” my emotions, and easier to consider longer periods of time (a lifetime???) without a liquid crutch.

This time feels different though, because I don’t have a “let’s start drinking again” reward waiting for me at the finishing line. When I feel overwhelmed by my decision to live alcohol free (foreveeeer, gasp), I tell myself that if I want, the finishing line can be at the end of this “3 month challenge” to which I have officially signed up online, and that I have by now mentioned to most of my friends. So far, this 3 month challenge is what I have been using as my “excuse” to stay sober during social events, but sooner or later I am going to have to think about what to say once that period of time is over.

Most of the time, I think of pushing back the “finishing line” indefinitely, depending on how brave I am feeling. Honestly, I don’t know where that line is, and don’t want to know: I only need to concern myself with today, and I know that today, I won’t drink. And in that sense, there is no line, only a new lifestyle to adopt, to learn how to love, right here, right now. I won’t lie: it’s not easy, and the thought is still very scary. For now, focusing on the present moment and on the idea that “I will not drink today” is enough — and all I can manage. I am too scared to make big, permanent decisions about the future. I think of my romantic relationship in a similar manner: I chose to be with my partner every day. Although I might end up staying with him “forever”, that “forever” can only be created day by day. The same goes if/when I ever get married. Meditation is also responsible for teaching me to be wary of making BIG DECISIONS or assumptions about the future. I could get run over by a car, I could get cancer, I could be dead tomorrow, so who knows what will happen in 30 years. And in any case, all I ever have is right now 🙂 

What I wanted to write about today, however, was not “right now”, but lunch.

This week, a Famous University professor is giving a series of conferences at my department, and today I was put in charge of escorting her to the restaurant, where 4 other PhD students and myself were to entertain her while we eat and make awkward conversation about our academic work. Urgh.

I’ve always disliked these tedious events. First of all because people say “whom” way too much. Second, because of my impostor’s syndrome. And most of all because of my “savior’s syndrome” which causes a pathological need for me to make sure that everybody is ok – (and these events are often so stiff and formal that I know I certainly don’t feel ok, and project that everyone else feels just as nervous as I do, which generally sends my anxiety levels up up up through the roof, though I always somehow manage to hide everything under a thick layer of smiles and artificial answers, and oh yeah … under the warm, fuzzy artificial and temporary comfort of “just a little drink or two”. Urgh. So today I faced a classic case of  “needing-liquid-courage-to-survive-this”. And survived with sober courage 🙂

At these lunch events, I always used to order beer as an aperitif, then oysters as a starter, just so I could get white wine after that and “not look like an alcoholic”. I would usually be the “wine” initiator and get the people to join in, blaming my French upbringing and claiming that “a good meal needs wine”…. basically, disguising my need to drink under the cloak of cultural specificity and etiquette. And indeed, French professors visiting our department would usually also want wine with their lunch.

But today the professor was American, and so were all the other students present. When the waitress asked if anybody wanted anything except water, EVERY SINGLE PERSON said no, thank you. And so did I, after everyone else. Then, as the daunting conversation dragged on and I enjoyed my delicious and wine-less crab cake, I couldn’t help but notice a group of three old ladies sitting opposite us, behind the professor (to whom I would lend a lazy ear but had trouble focusing on). Why was I so captivated by these three ladies? Because they looked so happy to be there, chatting together, three old friends catching up at a fancy restaurant with beautiful white table cloths and soft music. Oh, yeah…. and each holding a GIGANTIC (God Bless America) glass of white wine in their hands. And that, my friends, was a tough moment for me. I had not given any thought to potential triggers or “strategies” I would need to navigate this event. I had naively figured that this was lunch with a bunch of “normal American” people, and would simply not involve alcohol at all. I hadn’t thought that the people around us, the setting, the environment in itself could have such a strong impact on my desire to drink.

Oh how I was wrong! Seeing these cute 80 year old ladies enjoying their drinks triggered a pretty strong wave of cravings and permissive thinking on my part, to the effect of: “well if these grannies can do it and haven’t died of liver failure yet, then so can I, right?”, or “after this 3 month AF nonsense I’ll go back to moderating, yeah, no problem”, or even: “urgh why can they have fun and enjoy their meal and not me? It’s not fair”, etc. etc. etc. yada yada, whine whine (about wine). URGH …

“Chimp mind”, “wine witch”, “wine hound”, “addiction monster”, …. I need to find a nickname for the part of me that thinks these thoughts. Every one else seems to have one 🙂 So far I have just been calling it “the blob”, because it wants to gobble up anything it can, not just liquid stuff. Anyway, I felt pretty sorry for myself for a minute. Then I focused my attention on my breath, reminded myself that this was a “first” (first sober “elegant and awkward lunch at a fancy restaurant”), and payed attention to my immediate surroundings again. Fast forward about an hour, and I was pleasantly full from the delicious food, happy that the boring conversation was drawing to an end, and that the cravings had passed.  I was surprised to notice that felt absolutely 100% satisfied. Nothing missing from my life. No need to drink. Everything was ok. I had survived. Most importantly, I completely forgotten about my earlier dissatisfaction and “hungry ghost”-ness.

Realizing this, I cast a quick curious  glance over to the “party grandmas” to see how they were doing, and guess what ?!

The initially chirpy, cheerful and energetic ladies were now half asleep, their smiles wiped off of their faces and replaced by a kind of dull, grey-ish shadowy, closed and definitely-not-cheerful look. They looked tired. Full, but not satisfied. And then it struck me: what I had taken for their initial “happiness” was probably just that high you get from the first sips of alcohol (especially on an empty stomach) and that some of us keep chasing (but never find) until the drinking session comes to an end. What I seemed to be observing in their faces was that heavy sensation that you get when you have indulged, and yet remain unsatisfied. And right there and then, it was such a strange feeling: I did not envy them anymore. I was almost happy (like, 90% happy) to be the sober one. Or rather (because I have no idea what these ladies were actually feeling – I can only project), I knew that if I were in their place, sitting at that table after having had a few glasses of wine, I would NOT be feeling happy or satisfied.

I have sooooo many memories, TONS of them, of sitting there, at the end of a great meal, feeling awful and DEVOURED by a desire to keep drinking. And guilty for having these cravings, for wanting more to drink when everyone else around me seemed to have had enough. And wonder “what is wrong with me?”, and not care, because all I cared about was “how and when do I get my next drink?”. Taking the cue from other people’s reactions of having had enough (as opposed to having the sensation of having had enough) would be what would get me to stop drinking. If left to my own devices, I would just keep going, because deep inside, I would still feel that something was missing, that I needed “just one more” to be satisfied “at last”.

But no amount or food or wine would ever satisfy a “hunger” which has nothing to do with anything physical. After an occasion like this, I would often go home and stop at the liquor store on the way back. I would keep drinking, alone, in secret, shamefully, knowing that other people would not, that they would not even think about drinking. And the cycle of shame, secrecy etc. would keep going. And going. Again and again.

All of this I realized today at lunch, and remembered, as I sat there looking at those cute old ladies. I remembered WHY I wanted to quit in the first place, and why all this “frustration” that comes with “early sobriety” is worth it. And why I want to keep going. I thought of all this as the people around me rambled on (“Have you not read Professor Such and Such’s new book on The Influence of Whatever on Some Other Thing No One Has Ever Heard About in the Second Half of the Thirteenth Century?. it’s remarkable!”), and my own awkward, sober event came to an end.

When everyone got up, they asked if I was going back to the University with them, and I said that no, I was sorry, but I had something I had to do in town. So I happily said goodbye and left. 

And it’s true: I did have to leave, because I wanted to make it to the SPCA before they closed. Yep, today, after lunch, I went to the SPCA and adopted a cat (!!!! See previous post).

A beautiful 1 year old female cat, with gorgeous green eyes, WHOM I brought back this afternoon, and who is peacefully asleep next to me as I type this. Her name is Fern, and just like me, she is calm, cautious, and very very affectionate. Oh, and she doesn’t drink either 🙂 

Published by nomorebeer

Learning how sobriety helps you ENJOY life.

18 thoughts on “Day 14: Two Weeks!

  1. Hugs, honey! Congratulations on 2 Weeks!
    I remember that initial high of the first sips. I’d be so funny, cheeks red, e everything seemed brighter.
    Until, of course, later. Dull. Tired. Headache.
    Plus I bet some of those older folks are on meds that drinking interferes with! And falls and accidents!
    So you keep with us winners!
    xo
    Wendy
    PS- I’m 66..YIKES! Lol

    Like

  2. So much to love about this post, including the adopted cat… but especially, “I’ve always disliked these tedious events. First of all because people say “whom” way too much.” Well said, LOL!!!

    But I remember this, so much… my first dinner out, this time around. You bring it all back to mind. For me though, I was just sitting there amazed, at how all these other patrons’ dinner wine didn’t seem to empty… and they were French (and all middle-aged to elderly)… it was like seeing a twilight zone. Sharing a bottle with my hubbie in the old days, I would have had to restrain myself from ordering a second one… and yes, drinking more, for sure, once I got home.

    Please know, it gets so much easier… sometimes, in the middle of sobriety, I feel like I haven’t progressed… but your post truly brings back to me the fact that I have, and it does get easier.

    And: “I only need to concern myself with today, and I know that today, I won’t drink.” Nailed it!!! ❤️

    Like

    1. Thank you Nadine 🙂 I can’t wait for the time when these “craving” thoughts aren’t on my mind as much, and I can occupy myself with more productive things 🙂 That’s why I called this blog “There is more to life than just beer” 🙂 I’m glad things do get easier, and I’m glad that reading my newbie post can help more experienced AF life-livers to realize how far they’ve come 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Damn, that was a good post. What you describe about the old ladies, the craving and then the realisation of how you used to be, wanting to have another drink, all of that I could have written about myself. Just not written it as well. Really, really good he says through gritted teeth. Now it’s not just competitive with the “I’m not going to crack first” with the drinking, it’s now going to be , “I’ve got to try and write great posts like Anne.” Boy, life is tough. Can you do a shit one next time just to make me feel a bit more secure.😉

    I’m intrigued. What’s the Phd in?
    Glad you have a lovely cat. That’s going to be one spoiled cat! Enjoy.
    Jim x

    Like

    1. Bahahahahaha 🙂 Jim, you make me laugh every time. Did you know that when I read your posts I think “wow, I wish I could write as well as Jim and be as witty and funny as he is, but oh well, life is tough” 🙂 The PhD is in comparative literature, and it’s about the birth of psychology and hypnosis in the 19th century 🙂 Back in France I used to be a philosophy high school teacher, but here in the U.S. I’m a comp lit student. I found philosophy was getting a bit too abstract and conceptual, and I liked literature more because of all the pretty imagery 🙂 and doing my hypnosis training also helped me get out of concept-land and back into embodied reality 🙂

      Like

      1. Oh bloody hell. I don’t believe this, hypnosis training. You’ll think I’m making this up but I have mentioned it somewhere on here before, I am a registered hypnotherapist and trained back in 2006. I use hypnotherapy sparingly when I see clients and I’m a great fan of Eriksonian hypnotherapy and the use of story and metaphor. How strange. Your PHD sounds fascinating. No more coincidences please I can’t take it!

        Like

      2. hehehe yes I remembered you mentioned it ! And I think I mentioned it too early on in July (or at least intended to) 🙂 All of my comments so far have been written with the awareness that you are an ericksonian ^^ 🙂 🙂 🙂

        Like

      3. I admire Erickson but as I said I use hypnotherapy sparingly. I’m more of a Carl Rogers man, I reread his words often. When I do I feel in the presence of great insight and wisdom.

        Like

      4. ooooo, so you practice Person Centered therapy ? Yes, I agree that hypnotherapy shouldn’t be used systematically and that every case is different/has its own needs 🙂 Any recommendations for C. Rogers’ words ?

        Like

      5. Hi Anne, sorry, just seen your reply to my reply! The book of his I often turn to and am currently rereading is “becoming a person”. It’s essentially a collection of his writings and although written mainly in the 50s and early 60s , his insights are still so relevant. I think anyone practising therapy of any type would gain something from reading him. The central point that he often makes and which I repeat to myself like a mantra is that around 70% of the effectiveness of therapy is down to the relationship between therapist and client, regardless of the type of therapy. Unconditional positive regard, authenticity are the things he often stresses. No waffle or pseudo intellectualism with Rogers just great insight and humanity combined with professional rigour. Highly recommended.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. awwwww thank you ❤ Fern is adorable and was spayed the day before I got her from the SPCA so she is exhausted and I am mainly in charge of preventing her from licking her wound for the next few days 🙂 fun fun fun

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Sober Since Covid

Traversing Sobriety: Tales, Tips, and Tricks

The No Wine Shine

The ups downs and rounds and rounds of going alcohol free

Without the whine

Exploring the heart of what matters most

Laura Parrott Perry

We've all got a story to tell.

Natural Skin Care Love

Naturally Beautiful Skin ... At Any Age!

Moderately Sober

Finding my contented self the sober way

Wine to Water

Choosing to Live Rather than Exist

Mounzer Darwich

Be dedicated...................... Blog for free debate and dialogue in the affairs of society, family and people

New Beginnings

My Journey to Staying Sober.

mydegreeme

Forever Student, Never PhinisheD

Drug, Alcohol, Gambling, And Eating disorder Recovery https://localbitcoins.com/buy-bitcoins-online/?ch=1c2wt

Drug and alcohol recovery, Help for addiction, alcoholism, eating and gambling disorders, free help for drug addiction and alcoholism,free resource guide for drug addiction and alcoholism

The Wandering Enigma

The experience, strength and hope of a recovering addict struggling with the disease of addiction.

lifebeyondhedonism.com/

Celebrating the beauty in sobriety

100 Days to Sparkle

Aiming for 100 continuous days of sobriety in order to reclaim my sparkle 

Letitgocoach

Never Settle. Don't even think about it.

SoberJo

My experiences on getting and staying sober one day at a time

fromwretchedtorecovery.com

Alcoholism Recovery Blog

Holistic Steph

musings on healing, wellness and self-love

Reasons to Live For

Here to give you lots of reasons to live

Ron Tamir Nehr

Self Empowerment & Business Coaching

Simplify Tasks

Want to learn the simple way?

Wake up!

Operation Get A Life

Storm in a Wine Glass

I used to drink and now I don't

Finer Yoga

striving to empower others

Stacking the Bones

The journey of self-healing through yoga, meditation, and writing-it-out.

To Write or not to Write and What to Write

#shortstories #thoughts #reflections

Drunky Drunk Girl

A blog about getting sober

saania2806.wordpress.com/

Philosophy is all about being curious, asking basic questions. And it can be fun!

Roaming & Recording Yogi

roaming around the world and recording it all along the way

Walking in Sober Boots

Footfalls on a Path of Recovery

Ditching the Wine

Getting myself sober; the ups and downs

A Multitude of Musings

On the Way to Wholeness

Pointless Overthinking

Understanding ourselves and the world we live in.

GettingSoberGal

Just a gal trying to get sober

msnewleaf

my life without alcohol

ainsobriety

Trying to ace sober living

Emotional Sobriety Means Healing Mind, Body, and Soul

Your Childhood Holds the Key to Who You Are. Codependency is the Engine Under All Addictions.

The SMILF Diaries

Fueled by redbull and crude humor

Faded Jeans Living

By Dwight Hyde

boozebrain

a joyous, grateful and muddled recovering alcoholic & his ramblings

The State Of Being Sober

Margot's Movement. A journey of sobriety and saying no to the Sauvignon. Once, and for all.

%d bloggers like this: