It’s been a tough couple of days, for reasons completely unrelated to alcohol.
I adopted a cat from a shelter a few days ago, who turned out to be very, very sick. She had a 105.2 fever yesterday (106 is organ failure), the cause of which is unknown, but probably due to complications linked to the fact that she was spayed at the SPCA, WHILE she was pregnant (number of foetuses unknown) last week! WTF!!!!! I didn’t even know they did that! And nobody told me when I adopted her.
Yesterday we had an emergency trip to the vet and a night of monitoring her closely as she -quite unresponsively- struggled through the night. But life kept on pulsing through her, though I had my doubts and lost hope several times.
After a whole day of “staying calm” and “keeping it together”, last night I finally allowed myself to feel my feelings. When I stroked her and she wouldn’t move or open her eyes, I worried that she was dead. Waves of sadness came and went, and I started crying and stopped again, thinking that she might die at any moment. Although we are supposed to be on a break (we just can’t get along these days), my boyfriend came over and was a huge help/emotional support. We went out to buy a baby thermometer and stuck it up the cat’s butt to take her temperature. Bonding ^^. This morning her temperature seems back to normal.
So little Fern made it through the night but is still lethargic and “touch and go”. The vet is supposed to call today to check on us.
Why this post that has little to do with recovery?
Precisely because I realized that when shit hit the fan, I was (and still am) 100% focused on the situation at hand, and alcohol isn’t on my mind at all. I wasn’t expecting to have to deal with the possible death of an innocent little creature during her first few days at home. But drinking seems like the last thing I would want to do in such a situation. Last night I did have a fleeting thought as we walked back from the pharmacy, (“if she dies, will I want a ‘fuck it’ beer?)”, but we were walking past a bar when the thought occurred. And then it passed.
I know that Fern is “just a cat”, and I have only known her for a few days. I can’t begin to imagine what it must be like to deal with the illness of a child, or the loss of a close loved one, sober. So far I’ve been fortunate enough in my life to only have to experience the death of my grandparents and my aunt. I know that people out there have faced much, much harder things. And that I will have to as well.
But I still wanted to write this post, to “celebrate” the fact that today is day 19 and I don’t have any desire to drink. I feel mostly nauseous, from worrying about this little fragile being. But I’m also present and aware of what’s going on. I’m not running away from reality. I hope things get better soon for little Fern.
Oh no! I’m so sorry to read about your little fur baby! I always tell myself would drinking help this situation? Maybe I’d escape temporarily, but in the end, it only hurts me more, and people and animals that depend on us.
xo
Wendy
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yes, thanks Wendy. Drinking would definitely not help in this situation 🙂 I don’t feel like it at all, and even if I did, I would feel guilty of trying to escape instead of being 100% here. Having someone depend on you really helps with making healthier choices. ❤ (The SPCA said they might be able to take Fern back until she is better and then have me adopt her again once/if she is ok. That would be wonderful. I'm still waiting to hear back from them).
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😥got a tear, about Fern… you are wonderful to take such good care of her, and so very glad to hear that it’s going so well on the sobriety front… huge congrats on nearly 3 weeks. lotsa love, for you and for little Fern, too… 😚😽💗
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thanks Nadine ❤ Thankfully towards the end of the afternoon, the SPCA called back and they took her back in for a few days. They apologized and said she should have been monitered more closely before being given out for adoption. The great news is that if/when she is recovered she can come back home with me! So fingers crossed 🙂
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ohhh, nice that they apologized and took her back in for intensive care, yes, fingers crossed for little Fern 💗🙏😽💛
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Hoping Fern makes a full recovery – well done you for being strong and allowing your painful feelings not wanting to numb them out – big respect! 💞💞to both of you
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thank you ❤ After I dropped her off at the SPCA clinic I was crying like a baby in the street, and walked past a few bars. I knew I was thirsty but not for alcohol: so just like I would a crying a 5 year old, I got myself an ice cream cone, which I ate as I walked home 🙂 Fingers crossed Fern will make it and survive her infection. ❤
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Anne it sounds like you have been through a real rollercoaster along with little Fern. Appears like she will hopefully make it and what a lucky cat she is that you came into her life at this time and offered her love just when she really needs it. Dealing with big emotions and confronting them sober. I think that’s a big part of what this journey is all about. Brilliant. I might almost say you’re the cat’s whiskers but that would be cheesey. Oh sod it, I’ve gone and said it😀🐱
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awww thanks Jim 🙂 I hope she turns out ok and I can readopt her in a few days, we’ll see. Hope all is well on your side. Excited about your next post ! xxx
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