This is going to be a short one.
I just woke up and am going on a hike by the beach with a close friend in a few minutes. It’s going to be wonderful, but I also planned it as a “survival strategy” that I pulled out of my survival kit/toolbox, because THESE DAYS, THINGS SUCK.
I signed up for the 90 day OYNB (One Year No Beer) challenge, and as I hit day 25 today, I am receiving all kinds of happy, lovey-dovey (how on earth do you spell that?) videos about “your new positive mindset” and “now that you have changed your relation to alcohol”. Well I must be a slow learner or something, cause although I have not touched a drop of alcohol in the last 25 days, I don’t think my mindset has changed much at all: I know it’s bad for me but I still crave it and believe that in the moment it feels and tastes good and I of course know it’s all an illusion but unfortunately it makes me [or makes me believe – WHICH IS KIND OF THE SAME THING – that I] feel better, even if it’s only for a few minutes. It’s only RETROSPECTIVELY (with the guilt, shame and horrible physical after effects) that alcohol sucks. My mindset is still stupidly stuck on “I feel deprived, this is not fair!”.
I am a two year old right now, throwing a tantrum.
Although I have been trying really hard (meditating and exercising every day, eating healthy, staying busy, trying to patch up my relationship with an emotionally overwhelmed partner who is currently incapable of dealing with his own emotions, let alone take care of me), this week my life feels empty, bleak, tiring, L.O.N.E.L.Y. If this is how I am going to feel for the rest of my life (I know it isn’t), then is all of this struggle (for sobriety) worth it?
Edit, I am a two year old nihilist existentialist philosopher.
Am I supposed to live a life of “effort” and loneliness until I die ?
Last night I had enough, I was exhausted. I wolfed down a whole bag of cookies and binge watched Netflix.
I woke up feeling ashamed of myself, almost like when I was HUNGOVER.
Clearly, I used the wrong “tool” to deal with my emotions last night. I soothed myself with outside stuff. Now that alcohol is no longer available, I am having a little bit of trouble finding ways to “be happy” (or just “feel ok”) these days.
Hence the hike: I know I will feel better once I am immersed in the calm beauty of nature, with a woman friend, not an emotionally unstable romantic partner.
At least drinking helped me forget my negative thought patterns.[BUT THEN IT MADE THEM/EVERYTHING WORSE]
Why can’t I remember the shitty sides of alcohol?
I am tired, tired of trying so hard. Of feeling so lonely. Of waking up like every day needs to be filled with a giant to-do list (otherwise it is “wasted”, or I am “unworthy” of it). Of having to live my life on the lookout, constantly coming up with self-care strategies (“in case things get too bad”), of working so hard to “find” or “create” happiness, instead of JUST BEING.
I don’t know how to just be, and feel complete.
Is this being human? I there something wrong with me and should I go back to therapy (“just in case things get too bad”)?
I wish I could just relax and trust myself and know that I am ok.
I wish I could just relax.
I wish I could trust myself.
I wish I would just (as my inspirational friend from thesobrietytree Nadine puts it) stop “yearning outwards”.
I wish I could just stop wishing. And just fucking live, here and now. Like all the “normal” people that I imagine out there, who don’t need to drink, or ingest anything, to feel complete.
Reminder: This is also the first time EVER that I have tried to live my life “crutch-free”: drug free, alcohol free, cigarettes free, abusive/co-dependent love relationships free, sex addiction free, anti-depressant free, on a different continent than my family and friends, without therapy. No wonder I feel like I’m on my own.
WILL I EVER BE ABLE TO FILL THIS INTERNAL VOID WITH SELF-COMPASSION AND LOVE or is this just an illusory hope and an endless every-day struggle that I have to carry out for the rest of my life?
The hike will make me feel better
And I’m bringing my inner child with me, cause I think she needs really needs a break and just needs to play for a bit.
Sorry for the rant, everyone.
[EDIT Writing this helped, a bit. My “higher self” suspects that this is just me getting frustrated because I am not making progress as fast as “I should”, i.e. as I [my hyperperfectionist, quasi-sadistic, persecutory self] would like. And me being hard on myself both for going too slow and wanting to go too fast (DOUBLE GUILT, YAY!). And getting frustrated. And getting tired of having to WORK HARD to remember to GO EASY on myself. Because going easy doesn’t come naturally to me. YET!]. Now time to hike.