This is going to be a short one.
I just woke up and am going on a hike by the beach with a close friend in a few minutes. It’s going to be wonderful, but I also planned it as a “survival strategy” that I pulled out of my survival kit/toolbox, because THESE DAYS, THINGS SUCK.
I signed up for the 90 day OYNB (One Year No Beer) challenge, and as I hit day 25 today, I am receiving all kinds of happy, lovey-dovey (how on earth do you spell that?) videos about “your new positive mindset” and “now that you have changed your relation to alcohol”. Well I must be a slow learner or something, cause although I have not touched a drop of alcohol in the last 25 days, I don’t think my mindset has changed much at all: I know it’s bad for me but I still crave it and believe that in the moment it feels and tastes good and I of course know it’s all an illusion but unfortunately it makes me [or makes me believe – WHICH IS KIND OF THE SAME THING – that I] feel better, even if it’s only for a few minutes. It’s only RETROSPECTIVELY (with the guilt, shame and horrible physical after effects) that alcohol sucks. My mindset is still stupidly stuck on “I feel deprived, this is not fair!”.
I am a two year old right now, throwing a tantrum.
Although I have been trying really hard (meditating and exercising every day, eating healthy, staying busy, trying to patch up my relationship with an emotionally overwhelmed partner who is currently incapable of dealing with his own emotions, let alone take care of me), this week my life feels empty, bleak, tiring, L.O.N.E.L.Y. If this is how I am going to feel for the rest of my life (I know it isn’t), then is all of this struggle (for sobriety) worth it?
Edit, I am a two year old nihilist existentialist philosopher.
Am I supposed to live a life of “effort” and loneliness until I die ?
Last night I had enough, I was exhausted. I wolfed down a whole bag of cookies and binge watched Netflix.
I woke up feeling ashamed of myself, almost like when I was HUNGOVER.
DUUUUUH
Clearly, I used the wrong “tool” to deal with my emotions last night. I soothed myself with outside stuff. Now that alcohol is no longer available, I am having a little bit of trouble finding ways to “be happy” (or just “feel ok”) these days.
Hence the hike: I know I will feel better once I am immersed in the calm beauty of nature, with a woman friend, not an emotionally unstable romantic partner.
At least drinking helped me forget my negative thought patterns.[BUT THEN IT MADE THEM/EVERYTHING WORSE]
Why can’t I remember the shitty sides of alcohol?
I am tired, tired of trying so hard. Of feeling so lonely. Of waking up like every day needs to be filled with a giant to-do list (otherwise it is “wasted”, or I am “unworthy” of it). Of having to live my life on the lookout, constantly coming up with self-care strategies (“in case things get too bad”), of working so hard to “find” or “create” happiness, instead of JUST BEING.
I don’t know how to just be, and feel complete.
Is this being human? I there something wrong with me and should I go back to therapy (“just in case things get too bad”)?
I wish I could just relax and trust myself and know that I am ok.
I wish I could just relax.
I wish I could trust myself.
I wish I would just (as my inspirational friend from thesobrietytree Nadine puts it) stop “yearning outwards”.
I wish I could just stop wishing. And just fucking live, here and now. Like all the “normal” people that I imagine out there, who don’t need to drink, or ingest anything, to feel complete.
BLARG.
Reminder: This is also the first time EVER that I have tried to live my life “crutch-free”: drug free, alcohol free, cigarettes free, abusive/co-dependent love relationships free, sex addiction free, anti-depressant free, on a different continent than my family and friends, without therapy. No wonder I feel like I’m on my own.
WILL I EVER BE ABLE TO FILL THIS INTERNAL VOID WITH SELF-COMPASSION AND LOVE or is this just an illusory hope and an endless every-day struggle that I have to carry out for the rest of my life?
The hike will make me feel better
And I’m bringing my inner child with me, cause I think she needs really needs a break and just needs to play for a bit.
Sorry for the rant, everyone.
[EDIT Writing this helped, a bit. My “higher self” suspects that this is just me getting frustrated because I am not making progress as fast as “I should”, i.e. as I [my hyperperfectionist, quasi-sadistic, persecutory self] would like. And me being hard on myself both for going too slow and wanting to go too fast (DOUBLE GUILT, YAY!). And getting frustrated. And getting tired of having to WORK HARD to remember to GO EASY on myself. Because going easy doesn’t come naturally to me. YET!]. Now time to hike.
I felt all mixed up at 25 days myself!
It took a long time for my body and mind to even out, BUT IT DID!
Yours will, too!
xo
Wendy
PS Go ahead and rant! I used to scream in my pillow and in my car!
LikeLiked by 2 people
thank you Wendy ❤ Looking forward to calmer waters 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Perhaps I’m misunderstanding but sobriety doesn’t change your mindset, your mindset changes your behavior toward drinking. Mindset is the thing you have to actively work to change, it doesn’t come automagically just because you haven’t had any booze. When I was in rehab we had intense days of psychotherapeutic work to rewire the way we think and act, I think everyone has to do something of that sort even if they aren’t in rehab if they want any hope of maintaining sobriety. That’s probably what step 4 (?) of the 12 steps is about but I’m not an A.A. person so I could be wrong.
I’m not criticizing you, just throwing my 2 cents in. More like thinking aloud, lol. You will find it easier over time to get rid of those thoughts.
LikeLiked by 2 people
thank you ! I will definitely give this some thought. Somehow I have been thinking that mindset (beliefs) is something that slooooowly changes with time (habit). I have a bit of experience with NLP and hypnosis, where we practice “instantaneously” and actively changing our mindsets and beliefs (with reframing, for example), but if I a, 100% honest, I feel like those are mainly surface-level changes. I will definitely think of how I can actively work to change my mindset about alcohol. I suppose it’s happening a little bit: I no longer think I need it to survive – i guess that’s a start 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Anne- we are at a similar stage on this journey (4 weeks today for me) but like you I miss the pluses of drinking and sometimes question why am I doing this. I know I also felt like this when I gave up for a specific 3 months at the start of this year. The difference then was that I knew after 3 months I’d be able to drink again. This time there’s no end in sight and I’m missing so many things, not just the alcohol but the camaraderie, cosy pubs etc. But I also remind myself I sucked at moderation. If I could drink in moderation I’d still be happily drinking, but I can’t. There’s lots that I like about being sober but that doesn’t lessen the pangs. I think for me it will be after 3 months that I’ll hopefully feel a lot better, in the meantime thanks for writing your post, it saves me writing something similar. Please don’t crack, we’ll get through this and if it’s still like this after a year I’ll buy you a pint and we’ll shout out “fuck sobriety” but I suspect neither of us wants that. Hope the walk helped. x
LikeLiked by 3 people
bahahaha thanks Jim 🙂 I know for sure that I suck at moderation too. It’s part of my “whys”. Why? Because I can’t moderate. I won’t crack 🙂 I just hope this stage passes, because it’s bloody uncomfortable. Hope you’re doing ok. Congratulations on your first month!
LikeLike
OMG I love this post. And you are so sweet to mention me in it, made me smile some more. But the opening line was the best. It called to me because I’m feeling this right now.
All I can say to give a bit of hope from the 6 months perspective, life still has it’s ups and downs, suddenly, for me, in an even more massive-feeling way. But that’s I think because I’ve been able to do so much work (perhaps, in retrospect, even *important* work), that I simply couldn’t have done while still drinking. So basically the game levels up when you’re sober.
And that means we’re evolving. Which is of course what this crazy awesome blessed universe wants. Creative evolution.
Just looking at you and your awesomeness is going to make me do some (still-half!) lotus pose. 🧘🏼♂️🧘🏽♀️🧘🏼♂️I haven’t been doing it lately. Maybe that’s why my mind is going supernova/darkvoid every other minute. Love 😘🙏❤︎
LikeLiked by 2 people
p.s. by opening line I meant title. Plus all the rest. 😆
LikeLiked by 1 person
awwww Nadine ❤ You are so sweet and gentle, as usual. Thank you. I wish I could do the same for myself (the sweet gentleness). You are ABSOLUTELY right about the fact that all that is happening right now, these (intense) feelings would not have the space to appear if there was drinking involved. Thank you for that *important* reminder. I think I am going to start thinking of all these unpleasant emotions surfacing as a form of healing. That's the only skillful way I can put this right now. ❤ I'm so glad that you've gotten so far in these last 6 months. And that you still are, every single day. I will keep working on handstand and post a picture up here one of these days. I'm not there yet at all, but I'm working hard to overcome my fear – a little bit every day. xoxoxo
LikeLiked by 1 person