Well I didn’t see this coming.
Ok. Maybe I didn’t WANT to see it coming.
This afternoon, my boyfriend broke up with me. On the phone. He “loves me but has reached his limit with arguing, needs to stop taking his angry feelings out on me, needs to put himself first and work on himself before he can be in a (healthy) relationship”.
Not much I can say to that.
I know this is probably a good decision. One we’ve been circling around for months. We were good friends for 5 years before dating (and becoming bad friends). But right now, everything hurts and I miss him and I am in pain. So is my ego, but at least I am old enough to notice.
I blocked his number and erased all trace of him on social media – which might seem a bit extreme, but I know myself and don’t want to waste any time obsessing or staring at my phone hoping for him to change his mind – again.
His last text was “I don’t know what the future holds but right now all this is too much”
Not much to say to that either. So I said ok.
And then I went to the park and had a good cry. And looked up some podcasts about breakups and listened to one. It felt good to remember all humans go through this at some point. Probably most aliens too. Then a wave of cravings and thoughts hit me: “you could buy a pack of cigs right now, no one would ever know”, “you could walk into that bar”, “now that you’re single, nobody is here to watch you, you can do absolutely anything you want”. I felt giddy with freedom. Then I noticed the thoughts and let them pass. Then I saw the playground area and the swings. Then I somehow managed to fit my *ahem* adult-sized buttocks into the swings and I swung and swang and swung until I felt nauseous and a family with some real children appeared and I awkwardly said hi and left and they used the swings (and probably wondered who was that teary red-eyed 30 year old crazy looking maniac on the swings on a Monday afternoon and should they call the police).
In the past I would have drank through this.
But tonight, I will not drink. I will go to yoga, as planned. I am too old to collapse into a giant blob of self-pity and self depreciation.
I know that although right now I feel like a dirty old sock [who will die alone] that someone just threw away, I am still a good person. And I know that although I FEEL unloved, I am still lovable. And that this person actually did love me. And that I (am supposed to) love myself too. And that all is well (on paper).
Or maybe I will die alone with my cats.
But at least I can say with 100% confidence that actually, I AM absolutely free, and therefore responsible of all of my choices. No one to blame. No excuses.
And though I was tempted for a fraction of a second, no f****ng way that I am letting this mess up my AF journey. It’s not worth it.
So today I got dumped, and I bought myself a cheesy card (see below) and guess what… tonight, I will not drink.
Stay strong, y’all ! ❤