I never would have thought this possible but it was one of the best New Year’s celebrations I have had in decades. In the past, I would submit myself to the same old cycle of high expectations, drunken -yet anxious- partying, excessive drinking, possible drug use, probable black out and risky behavior, followed by a crash and two-day hangover. I would come out of it starting the new year feeling exhausted, useless, disappointed and guilty, setting resolutions to try and atone for my addictive behaviors and inability to overcome my “overindulgence”. Repeat for the last 10 years or so. This year, I purposefully decided to avoid spending New Year’s Eve in Paris (with its nightclubs and pressure to party hard and take ecstasy and dance until 7 am, Paris on New Year’s can be a deathtrap to anyone trying to stay sober — plus I am getting too old for all that).
So… unconventionally, I flew back to the USA on December 30th, with no special plans.
With a very close friend we did improvise a sober dinner party for 5 people at mine on New Year’s Eve – something simple, no expectations, no pressure. So there we were, my close friends, my boyfriend, my cat and I, all in our early thirties (except for the cat ^^), eating, drinking tea, having a wonderful evening, chatting and connecting in deep, meaningful conversation. The absolute opposite of the Christmas I spent in France with my family, with its excessive overeating and drunken tension, all surface and no depth. The cherry on the cake? My friends all went home at 9:00 pm, and my boyfriend and I crawled into bed at 9:30 PM !!! No joke ! (ok, ok, the jet lag from my trip to France had a lot to do with it). Then he and I kept the deep conversation (and love making) going until midnight and wished each other a happy new year as we hugged to the sounds of fireworks and drunk people shouting in the streets, marveling at our sobriety (he doesn’t really drink and quit smoking pot a couple of months before I stopped drinking), fully immersed in the intense joy of just being : of being alive (and in love) and celebrating the passing of time, which can turn every minute into an ongoing celebration — and every single day of this year since I went AF has been a celebration of some sorts. And has definitely been intense. Lying there in the dark I felt like New Year’s day is and should be every day, like once you open up to it, every second of the day can be filled with intensity and joy.
Around the dinner table, each one of us shared a resolution for 2020. It wasn’t your usual “lose weight make more money”. For perhaps the first time ever, I felt like I didn’t have some horrible behavior that I urgently need to change or part of myself that I hate and want to suppress. I felt and feel at peace with myself. My friend’s resolution was “let go and improvise more”. Mine was “address the anxiety that has caused me to bite/massacre my fingernails for the last 20 years”. In other words, I am starting the New Year already loving myself, and wanting to lovingly take care of others and myself in a gentle, caring, joyful, non-urgent way. May I share this simple joy with everyone I cross paths with (whether online or in “real” life) and may others be lucky enough to feel the joy of being at peace with oneself 🙂 I am truly grateful to every single one of you here and wish you happiness and abundance for every second of this New Year 🙂
Hang in there
Xxx Anne
This brought tears to my eyes! I love the description of how you’re feeling and how awesome the evening was and I hope to feel that way too! Very inspiring! Thank you.
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awwwww thank you thank you thank you for your kind words ❤ I am sure you will because you seem like a caring compassionate sensitive person and we all deserve to feel this joy and it's in all of us 🙂 sending warm hugs xxx Anne
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This is a lovely post, Anne! Wishing you a very wonderful 2020!
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thank you ❤ Happy new year to youuuuu xxx Anne
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Sounds like you have a wonderful year ahead in store Anne. Congrats on your first sober new year!xxx
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thank you so much Emma 🙂 and happy new year to you ! xxx Anne
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Awesome.
The anxiety has so much to do with the booze.
Happy new year!
Anne
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Yeah it’s crazy, I never would have thought this while I was still stuck in the middle of it 🙂 I already feel 80 % less anxious than the same time last year 🙂 xxx Anne
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I love everything about this post. Congrats!! ❤
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thank youuuu 😉 ❤ xxx Anne
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sweet!!!
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🙂 xxx Anne
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What can I say Anne.? Awesome, wonderful, uplifting. I think we are the loveliest cupcakes in the bakery, us September AF bakes. Here’s to a great 2020. Jim x
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YESSS September AF team !!! 🙂 Happy New Year Jim (hahaha I initially mindlessly typed in “happy birthday” ^^) 🙂 Wishing you the very best for this year and can’t wait to see what it brings you 🙂 xxx Anne
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Seriously I loved this post Anne. I’m just so happy for you and I thank you for all your support and care. What an amazing way to begin a new year and decade!
Claire xxx
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Thank you Claire 🙂 I’m wishing you all the best for the beginning of this new decade and can’t wait to discover all the mysteries that lie in it for us 🙂 ❤ xxx Anne
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Happy new year Anne! Sounds like a wonderful NYE – when we have genuine connection with others and realise that alcohol takes that away -a lightbulb moment on this AF journey I think – thanks so much for sharing 💞💞
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Indeed 🙂 And these days, life feels like a continuous path of small lightbulbs indicating the way – so strange. Thanks so much for reading and happy happy happy new year to you ❤ xxx Anne
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Yay! So happy for you, Anne!
Well done!
I love having real connections with people, not drinking connections!
Big hugs!
xo
Wendy
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Thank you Wendyyyy ❤ Big hugs to you tooo xx Anne
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Anne, that is the best New Years story I have heard this year. Outstanding. As someone mentioned, anxiety and drinking is a common story. As difficult as it may be in the future, I think it’s going to be worth exploring where that anxiety comes from and then slowly building positive habits and practices to respond to it. Just like making the decision to stop drinking, it’ll be hard at first but ultimately rewarding and liberating in the end.
Congrats and enjoy the start to 2020.
BB.
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Yes absolutely ! And I am fully committed to it 🙂 I am in therapy once a week and have a 2 hour daily meditation practice, I am an absolute fan of anything introspection, psychology or even psychoanalysis-related`, and this year I am learning how to make my first steps on the spiritual path. If anything I probably need to let go of wanting to understand everything 🙂 But I have good hopes of making serious progress on this front – now that the numbing and cloudy haze of alcohol is gone, I can let core issues emerge freely and I am not afraid anymore 🙂 xxxx Thank you so much for these kinds words and happy new year to you, I hope it brings you joy and fulfillment and peace and anything you could possibly wish for ❤ xxx Anne
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How much about this post is there to love…. everything. Just so inspiring and loving and all around wonderful, like you. ❤️Hugs Anne, and happy sobriety-loving new year. 🎉🙌🙏 xoxoxoxo
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Happy New Year to you Nadine ❤ thank you for being you and I hope you are doing well ❤ xxx Anne
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Sobriety all good. ❤︎ Bit of stress happening, but this too shall pass. ;))
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🙂 yes, silent Nadine is often stressed Nadine ❤ I am sending you big hugs and lots of courage to get through it, I have zero doubts that you and your family will make it through together and emerge stronger out of it ❤
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😆Well, it was more like, “guess I have to lick this blogging addiction so I can deal with the masses of work coming at me IRL”… ;)) probably a good thing, in the long run, lol. :)) thanks again, Anne, and lots of love xoxoxoxo ❤️
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hahahaha 😉 ❤ hang in there ! (masses of work here too – gulp) xxx Anne
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“This too shall pass” ?? ;)) Sigh. We can do this. :)) xoxoxo
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Ah Anne this sounds just wonderful! I’m so happy and proud of you🤗
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awwww thank you Dwight 🙂 it felt really really nice, including the morning afterwards 🙂
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