Day 258: counting things!

8 months and a half ! WOWOWOWOWOW.

Oh my, time flies, but I can’t disappear into the void altogether so here I post, about numbers, for some reason. (If you worry that I might have gone insane, I blame the last chapter of my PhD. I finish it this week if everything goes well. Then I promise, I will return to the land of the sane). 

8 months 1/2 is the amount of time I have been sober. 33 is the number of years I have been alive on this planet. 2 months is how long I have been quarantining (I think), and the days all blend into each other now. 2 is the number of humans I see on a regular basis. My best friend (she lives 3 blocks away) and my partner (he lives 1 block away). 2 years-ish is how long I have been meditating everyday. 6 years ago is when I started practicing yoga. Changed my fuckin’ life. 6 months and 18 days is how long I’ve gone without a cigarette, according to my phone. 5 years, is how long this loooooong tunnel has been, and I am SO CLOSE to the end …. this PhD will have seen a lot of lows but also quite a few honorable highs, and most of all a lot of growth. In the end, I am happy I did it. I never would have thought I would ever say that.

6 months is the longest I’ve been single since age 14.

Gulp.

2 months, is how long I have been living by a simple rule: all is well, as long as I stay at home, and manage to fit in yoga, meditation, PhD work and a daily walk. Ideally 10.000 steps, but in reality more like 6000-ish. Oh, and (wink wink Claire and Dwight) ZERO bikes. Also zero jogging. I’m too lazy for that. 26, give or take, is the number of years that I have been biting my nails. Zero is the number of successful attempts to stop biting them, despite the heroic efforts of people around me. 100 is the percentages of meals I cook at home these days, and enjoy every single time. 2 is the number of children I will have one day in my dreams. I come from a family of 6. 2 months is how long I have now been on Accutane, the hardcore treatment for acne that dermatologist only prescribe as a last resort treatment (it  basically involves overdosing on vitamin A and proving that you are not pregnant every month, because of severe birth deficiencies that can happen otherwise. I can’t begin to tell you how not fun it is to go and get bloodwork done in a lab when you have no car, and live in the time Covid). The treatment is working miracles – this is the second time I’ve done it, and I don’t regret it despite the side effects.

2 weeks, 2 looooong glorious weeks is how long I’ve been using “no added or refined sugar WHATSOEVER” in my food. Now, this is a biggie for me. So far I had been dealing with quarantine (and, to be honest, I think, sobriety) with lots and lots of M&Ms and ice-cream in the evening, sometimes uncontrollably so, and feeling lots and lots of shame the next day, promising myself not to do it again, but failing once the evening rolled round. Sound familiar, sobriety people?

So I finally watched a ton (number unidentified) of youtube videos about it, and decided to do a “30 sugar free” challenge. After all, that’s how I quit drinking. I’m not being a total Keto maniac though, I’m still eating fruit and whole grains. You can’t take EVERYTHING away from me. But no sugar (refined, raw, whatever), no honey, no artificial sweeteners, no processed foods containing added sugars (they’re EVERYWHERE), no white flour, no nothing. Conclusion after 2 weeks: It feels really good and I eat more fat now and I just drink tea in the evenings. Like when I quit booze, I had to fight the sugar cravings at first, (and still do, but less so) but I am gradually learning to implement new habits and replace mindless sugar binges with more meaningful habits in the evening (I’m talking Yin yoga, blogging, meditating and yep, mindless Netflix watching, but with tea ^^ ). The app I use for my alcohol has a setting where you can log different “addictions”, and sugar was in the list so now I have a daily pledge and milestone for that too.

It feels strange, because in my mind drinking is so much deadlier, but then I think about how “moderate drinkers” probably think that alcohol is harmless. And I think of obesity and type 2 diabetes and marketing in the food industry, and realize that some anti-sugar advocates speak of it like we do about alcohol. So what do I know, maybe it “really” is an addiction, not just an indulgence – I’m not one to judge. Some days are easier than others, and globally I am trying to find balance between avoiding excess, and avoiding excess restriction. Because I don’t want to get addicted to restricting – I’ve taken a quick glimpse down that rabbit hole and I ain’t going in there. I just want to CONQUER the dream of leading a healthy, BALANCED lifestyle. Sigh. Aaaaaaaah, dear, dear MODERATION. When will I crack your code? When will I discover your secret? Open up to meeeeeeee, tell me how you work. I know, I know. A lot of it lies in correcting all or nothing thinking. Believe me, I work 1.000.000 times a day (number probably not accurate) on redirecting and turning extremist thoughts into softer, more gentle, more kind, friendly ones. I try to get them to match my harmless appearance and the outward impression I seem to give others of being “super nice”. Come oooooooon, beliefs about self, catch up!!!!

Anyway, I digress.

5 is the number of days in which I am hoping to send my chapter to my advisor, aka Voldemort. I’m joking, she’s the sweetest. I’m the insane fascist. 4 and a half, is the number of months I legally have left in the USA before I defend my Phd and have to leave the country, saying bye byyyyyyye to some very close friends and one lovely, but very dysfunctional relationship. 5000$ is the amount of money that my department just awarded me as a “research grant”, which will get me through the summer, as my funding runs out in June. Eternal unquantifiable gratitude, and a lot of covid guilt, is what I felt when I got the news this week.

ZERO is the number of ideas that I have about what to do next and which country to move to once I have finished my program. ZERO is the percentage of desire that I have to even begin to confront this difficult question. ZERO, no… MINUS A MILLION, is how much I want to end up living on my parents’ couch, with no job and no savings, one alcoholic mother and one enabling, passive father, who gets bullied all day long by his wife. Minus a million millions. AND YET, numerous yet unidentified, are the options and possibilities for the future, and (wink wink, Nadine) I promised a dear fellow blogger that I would cultivate noble speech with her and speak nicely about the world, which is why I will close this long list of numerals with ***one*** final motto: we can neither know the future nor control the world so might as well reel ourselves back here to right now. Hic et nunc, as the  Roman Numerals peeps used to say a few centuries ago. FIVE BILLION is the number of hugs that I am sending out to whoever made it through this crazy ramble. You. YES YOU! Remember, THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE, the future is pregnant with potentialities, and I’m pretty sure the future is not on Accutane so there’s a good chance the babies will turn out ok. There is potential hidden in everything, waiting to be developed. If acorns can do it, so can we.

I leave you with two pics of some delicious “zero added sugar” breakfasts I made this week.

Smoothie bowls, the best invention of American cuisine ^^
Bruuuuunch, not a bad invention either. (PS. the orange juice is freshly squeezed, so it still counts as no added sugar)

Hang in there,

Xxx Anne

Published by nomorebeer

Learning how sobriety helps you ENJOY life.

10 thoughts on “Day 258: counting things!

  1. Lol
    I like you thought process. It reminds me of myself…especially the food part.
    I have struggled with any sort of routine with the stay home changes…but I am slowly moving towards something new. I was low carb/keto for many years. I am inching back. I am a bit (read very) obsessive and so I must tread lightly.

    My son used accutane last year and it was awesome. He did not like the dryness, but he likes the results. Once dermatologist recommendation. Dr dans lip balm. I guess it actually helps.

    Good job on the PhD. At 33 you have lots of time ahead of you!

    Stillness and peace
    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. awwww thank you Anne, for making it through the crazy thoughts 🙂 Yes, Acutane works miracles and lip balm (I use Aquaphor, cause I had a huge tube lying around) and it saves my life multiple times a day 🙂 Also, big respect for going Keto for so long. My sister lasted a year but as soon as she reintroduced carbs, she put most of her weight back on unfortunately. As for myself, I know that the farthest away from any kind of extremes, the better I do 🙂 Thanks for commenting and be well in these crazy times !!!! xxx Anne

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Lol. This obsessive numbers thing has me feeling truly at home in a kindred twilight zone. Love it. :))

    I have done the sugar-free thing at various times. Had a horrific sugar-free birthday cake (that I made myself) one year. Sugar is a cancer-causer and definitely needs to be moderated and/or abstained from… I mostly managed to moderate in the end.

    Your food shots and hard-working life are amazing… as are you. :))

    I for one am selfishly happy at the thought of you striking out into a new life, on nothing but a 5K grant and an unidentifiable dream… ah, vicarious living. ;)) Hugs dear Anne. :))) Xoxoxo

    Like

    1. lol it just kind of happened spontaneously – thankfully the insead of my head isn’t always occupied with this specific kind of madness… but many other different kinds 🙂 LOL to the sugar-free birthday cake…. i empathize SOOOO Much and recall many a failed experiment in the same vein… i think i ruined a friend’s birthday once, cause visually the cake was a masterpiece, but everyone exploded with laughter after the first bite, it was HORRIBLE 🙂 Glad you managed to find moderation and the peace of mind it brings on that front 🙂
      I think most probably I will end up moving back to France in September (those 5K will only last me till then), and I am actually thinking about moving to the South – maybe Nimes. Not too far from the sea, but not in a big city either. But who knows what these strange times will and won’t allow.
      Big big hugs to you too. xxx ❤ Anne

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hehehe I can relate to all of that other madness, as well. :)) I love the idea of your moving back to France… especially that area… though the world is definitely confusing at present. We’re also a bit up in the air. I want to be closer to my dad but he is not ready for a move overseas. We’ll see how it goes. Hugs to you too, lots of love 💛xoxoxo

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Sober Since Covid

Traversing Sobriety: Tales, Tips, and Tricks

The No Wine Shine

The ups downs and rounds and rounds of going alcohol free

Without the whine

Exploring the heart of what matters most

Laura Parrott Perry

We've all got a story to tell.

Natural Skin Care Love

Naturally Beautiful Skin ... At Any Age!

Moderately Sober

Finding my contented self the sober way

Wine to Water

Choosing to Live Rather than Exist

Mounzer Darwich

Be dedicated...................... Blog for free debate and dialogue in the affairs of society, family and people

New Beginnings

My Journey to Staying Sober.

mydegreeme

Forever Student, Never PhinisheD

Drug, Alcohol, Gambling, And Eating disorder Recovery https://localbitcoins.com/buy-bitcoins-online/?ch=1c2wt

Drug and alcohol recovery, Help for addiction, alcoholism, eating and gambling disorders, free help for drug addiction and alcoholism,free resource guide for drug addiction and alcoholism

The Wandering Enigma

The experience, strength and hope of a recovering addict struggling with the disease of addiction.

lifebeyondhedonism.com/

Celebrating the beauty in sobriety

100 Days to Sparkle

Aiming for 100 continuous days of sobriety in order to reclaim my sparkle 

Letitgocoach

Never Settle. Don't even think about it.

SoberJo

My experiences on getting and staying sober one day at a time

fromwretchedtorecovery.com

Alcoholism Recovery Blog

Holistic Steph

musings on healing, wellness and self-love

Reasons to Live For

Here to give you lots of reasons to live

Ron Tamir Nehr

Self Empowerment & Business Coaching

Simplify Tasks

Want to learn the simple way?

Wake up!

Operation Get A Life

Storm in a Wine Glass

I used to drink and now I don't

Finer Yoga

striving to empower others

Stacking the Bones

The journey of self-healing through yoga, meditation, and writing-it-out.

To Write or not to Write and What to Write

#shortstories #thoughts #reflections

Drunky Drunk Girl

A blog about getting sober

saania2806.wordpress.com/

Philosophy is all about being curious, asking basic questions. And it can be fun!

Roaming & Recording Yogi

roaming around the world and recording it all along the way

Walking in Sober Boots

Footfalls on a Path of Recovery

Ditching the Wine

Getting myself sober; the ups and downs

A Multitude of Musings

On the Way to Wholeness

Pointless Overthinking

Understanding ourselves and the world we live in.

GettingSoberGal

Just a gal trying to get sober

msnewleaf

my life without alcohol

ainsobriety

Trying to ace sober living

Emotional Sobriety Means Healing Mind, Body, and Soul

Your Childhood Holds the Key to Who You Are. Codependency is the Engine Under All Addictions.

The SMILF Diaries

Fueled by redbull and crude humor

Faded Jeans Living

By Dwight Hyde

boozebrain

a joyous, grateful and muddled recovering alcoholic & his ramblings

The State Of Being Sober

Margot's Movement. A journey of sobriety and saying no to the Sauvignon. Once, and for all.

%d bloggers like this: