No, no. Not drunk-pissed. Mad-pissed.
Today my advisor announced my PhD defense date (October 22nd, yikes!) and the committee members.
It’s the advisor’s job to decide who goes on the committee, after discussing it with the candidate, aka. Anne. I made it very very clear that I really wanted this nice lady, (let’s call her Professor E.) on my committee. Professor E. is a cute bird-like lady in her 60s, who has been SO supportive of my work and knows the material super well. And expressed multiple times her interest in reading my work/being on my committee. I thought it was obvious that she would be.
Turns out, my advisor doesn’t like professor E much. Not many faculty members in my department do, I don’t know why. (She’s the kind of sweet, older professor who rambles on and on, and is a little bit in the clouds, but is really nice). Turns out my advisor put two of her “friend” colleagues on the committee, instead of professor E, and just announced it by email without even mentioning it or explaining her choice, presenting it like good news.
Without the comforting, maternal presence of professor E. and with the unfamiliar presence of these two other professors (they are much more famous and scary), I suddenly feel very threatened, fragile, anxious and depressed. I know I just have to accept this and move on/get back to work, buuuuuuuut… it’s hard.
When I got the news a few hours ago I felt nauseous, and now I feel betrayed. I know it’s all ok and it doesn’t really matter in the long run. I know that I just have to sit through the defense and after that, all this will be a distant memory. But this afternoon I had a huge wave of lassitude, with thoughts of “urgh, it’s in cases like these that I would want to drink a beer” popping up. So I rant here instead.
Maybe I will take the evening off (though I can’t really “afford” it time wise) and go and watch Netflix with some snacks in my bed instead of putting in another 5 hours of work like a zombie.
Lots of love xxxx
Tired and stressed Anne.