No, no. Not drunk-pissed. Mad-pissed.
Today my advisor announced my PhD defense date (October 22nd, yikes!) and the committee members.
It’s the advisor’s job to decide who goes on the committee, after discussing it with the candidate, aka. Anne. I made it very very clear that I really wanted this nice lady, (let’s call her Professor E.) on my committee. Professor E. is a cute bird-like lady in her 60s, who has been SO supportive of my work and knows the material super well. And expressed multiple times her interest in reading my work/being on my committee. I thought it was obvious that she would be.
Turns out, my advisor doesn’t like professor E much. Not many faculty members in my department do, I don’t know why. (She’s the kind of sweet, older professor who rambles on and on, and is a little bit in the clouds, but is really nice). Turns out my advisor put two of her “friend” colleagues on the committee, instead of professor E, and just announced it by email without even mentioning it or explaining her choice, presenting it like good news.
Without the comforting, maternal presence of professor E. and with the unfamiliar presence of these two other professors (they are much more famous and scary), I suddenly feel very threatened, fragile, anxious and depressed. I know I just have to accept this and move on/get back to work, buuuuuuuut… it’s hard.
When I got the news a few hours ago I felt nauseous, and now I feel betrayed. I know it’s all ok and it doesn’t really matter in the long run. I know that I just have to sit through the defense and after that, all this will be a distant memory. But this afternoon I had a huge wave of lassitude, with thoughts of “urgh, it’s in cases like these that I would want to drink a beer” popping up. So I rant here instead.
Maybe I will take the evening off (though I can’t really “afford” it time wise) and go and watch Netflix with some snacks in my bed instead of putting in another 5 hours of work like a zombie.
Sigh.
Lots of love xxxx
Tired and stressed Anne.
Oh Anne, I really felt this as I read through your post. I totally get it. I am actually convinced they throw grenades into people’s PhD journeys (sorry Jim!) to test their resilience. It’s all part of the final achievement. If you can cope with this you can cope with anything in life, kind of thing.
Definitely take the evening off. You will not focus anyway and it’ll give you chance to come down off the ceiling and then deal with what has happened. It’s disappointing but you will still nail this. You have worked so hard and it matters not who is on that panel, it’s Anne who is going to be awesome.
Maybe a relaxing yoga and then chill in bed Netflix style. You got this. You really have 😘🤗❤️💕
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thank you Claire ❤ sigh 🙂
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Keep going lovely. Xxx
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You’ve got this Anne, really feeling for you. Big bowl of snacks, netflixs and a nice cup of tea
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❤ thank you ❤
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You will be ok! This is just another life test, that you will get through, just like you have with other things! I have all the confidence in you!!!
xoxo
Wendy
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❤ ❤ ❤ thanks Wendy
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You may not want to hear this but I believe that everyone happens for a reason. My thought when you said the two more prestigious people would be on your panel means your advisor thinks highly of you and your work and wanted a high-caliber panel. Sure, the other lady would mean more comfort, but sometimes our biggest growth moments come when we are truly challenged. I wouldn’t worry about it… you are highly intelligent and amazing, and anyone can see that! 💕
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awww thanks Collette. Yes my friends said the same thing about my advisor making that choice, You’re right – clinging to comfort is just cocoon-thinking. And either way defending will be a challenge so might as well face the challenging parts of the challenge 🙂 xxx Anne
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I have no doubt you will be amazing. 💕
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Reading this in the morning here Anne so hoping you took the evening off and took care of yourself – it sucks when things aren’t how we expect and it feels like a bigger challenge but I think Colette has a good take on it – your supervisor wants to show off her brilliant student to her prestigious friends! You could ask her maybe her reasoning for her choices? Remember she wants to look good too in this process so she is not going to set you up to fail so she must believe you are going to impress them – we all believe that too so work on believing it for yourself! Lots of love and hugs 💞💞💞
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hahaha brilliant I don’t know but yes, you guys are right, this means she “trusts” me somewhat. I did take the evening off, ate snacks, and my partner came over and I didn’t have much patience so we had a flight when I fell asleep as he was telling me about his therapy session (in my defense his monolog was LONG). sigh. but we made up this morning and I got back to work with a fresh(ish) mind. I also asked my advisor and she gave an administrative reason for her choice. I’ve had enough time to process by now, so I just thanked her and accepted her choice inwardly. Gotta gather strength for the final push and submit this thing in a week. Yikes 🙂 xxxx thanks for the encouragement ❤ Anne
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You’ll do it and it will be fab! 💞💞
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I’m with Collette and the doctor. She wants you to succeed in front of her friends and believes you will. And I want to add that, you never know, she may have announced it as good news because they are her friends and she is confident (because she knows something you don’t know about them) that they will be interested in your work. Regardless, I am 100% confident you can do it! 😘🤗
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❤ thanks Leafy. You are all so encouraging and optimistic, it's uplifting ! xxx I can't wait to visit Cali after all this. Hope Carmell was nice / relatively fire free ? ❤
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Still here. And it is foggy and smoky … but still great! I love Carmel. We spent a long time playing on the beach today. 🌱
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awwww that’s great ❤ I hope things settle down a bit soon – we all deserve a break
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