Guys! Tonight I cried, for the first time in many months.
I’m not talking about “shed an elegant tear during an emotional movie” crying … I’m talkin’ serious, “all hands on deck, close the curtains, no time to grab tissue, start weeping, now”, cried. I think hadn’t done that since October 2019, when I broke up with my ex partner, and spent a whole month picking myself up and going to therapy again, at the very beginning of this blog. That was before the pandemic and everything. And before we got back together for another year. Waaaaay before I moved away and left the US about a month ago.
Tonight is the first night where I actually missed my ex. Until today, I thought I was doing really well, navigating all the big changes that have occurred in the last few weeks/months. Dealing with the lockdown. Learning to be alone. Being rejected by one cool job (but hired for another, more on that another time). Practicing self-care.
So why did s***t hit the fan today?
Welllll … I might have put myself on Tinder a couple of weeks ago, mostly to meet people in this new city, where I don’t really know anyone. So far, I have taken 3 perfectly respectable, social distanced, outdoors, and masked, walks – with 2 different men (man, does 2020 dating suck. You can’t even see your date’s face). So far no huge crush, but at least it gets me out of the house and talking to someone other than my plants (or myself). Since I arrived, I’ve also been texting with my ex on a daily basis (we decided to stay friends: we both still love each other but neither of us wants long distance. The “plan” being to transition from romantic-love to friendship-love and support each other in the process.)
Back to the fan. And the sh***t that hit it.
So today, I candidly informed my ex about the aforementioned Tinder walks. Why you ask? Excellent question. Turns out it was a terrible idea, but maybe not for the reason you might expect. All this might seem pretty obvious to an outside perspective, but it only became clear to me retrospectively, after the fact … Ahem … Turns out that by announcing her Tinder walks, Anne was pre-consciously hoping for a reaction to the effect of “OHHHH ANNE, MY LOVE, you are so indispensable and irreplaceable, how could you break my hearth thus and already be seeing other men? I am so devastated I cannot go on living, the jealousy is too much to bear. Please I beg you spare my poor broken heart”.
Well, serves me (and my ego) right … The real-life response I got was: “Oh, what a relief! I wasn’t sure whether to tell you, but actually, I’m going on a Tinder walk with a woman this afternoon. Don’t worry though, I told her I was looking for something platonic”.
…
Wait… “WHAT A RELIEF?”
What the f****G f***ck???!!!!!!
I’ll skip the boring details (Nothing fancy … just good old Anne losing her sh***t a bit, unexpectedly hit by a gigantic wave of jealousy, triggered into feeling unexplainably and suddenly betrayed, worthless, rejected, abandoned, you name it. Yep, I cried on the phone, said it was too hard, that I wasn’t ready to hear about other women, and that maybe we should just stop contacting each other altogether.
Yeah you heard me: I’m fine with seeing other men, but if my ex takes a platonic walk with another woman, I freak out and have a mini-meltdown while projectile-crying all over the place.
Add to the ex-incident the fact that a Tinder guy that I actually DO find very attractive but haven’t met in person yet (I think he might be out of my league) doesn’t seem as interested as I am, and kind of lukewarmly stopped responding to my messages tonight.
And VOILA! You now have the perfect recipe to bake an Anne-has-low-self-esteem cake.
Or rather, pudding. Formless, squishy, quick to fall on the floor with a great big splat – like Anne’s self-esteem.
I then proceeded to have a shitty, lonely evening, despite a lovely Zoom with my siblings.
Clearly this is one of the remaining core areas where I still get triggered and need to build some kind of ego strength. I thought I was nailing the being alone/spending time with myself thing, but bring in more complicated factors (competition with other women, the cruel joys of the online dating world, lockdown), and all that “progress” seems to crumble and vanish as quickly as a hot Tinder guy.
Sigh.
Must make peace with image of dying alone, devoured by cats.
Must remember love comes from within.
I’m grateful to be sober tonight. Actually, in a twisted way, I’m grateful for the lockdown: It’s 11:30 pm, I couldn’t even find a drink if I wanted to.
But to be honest, I don’t even want to. I just want to be someone who can tolerate rejection and not mind.
I know this must seem pretty trivial and childish to most – but the loneliness and the difficult emotions and are so strong that to me, it all feels very very real.
Hope you’re all doing better than I am!
xxxx
Anne
Oh Anne Anne Anne … I so adore you. I can feel your misery and despair in your words but you always manage to add the humour and wit and I don’t know whether to cry or laugh tears. Here we both are, feeling ultimately pathetic and like we are undeserving but we aren’t. I don’t think anyone with any heart or soul takes rejection on the chin and roles with all the punches and that whole world of tinder is massively daunting. The situation with the ex sounds emotional and I would have done exactly that same. Bravely announced I was trying to move on and then fall to pieces without the desired response. Today is a snivelling, snotty, sobbing day. Tomorrow is a new day and we pick ourselves up, brush ourselves down and we start again. Sending so many hugs you won’t know what to do with them all 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗❤️❤️❤️
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yesssss ❤ Thank you Claire ❤ this is a wonderful reminder that's it's ok to be sad sometimes. I keep forgetting that and jumping to "there's something wrong with me/must fix myself and not be sad". but sad is ok too, and tomorrow is a new day 🙂 ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
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Sad is definitely ok. We just have to sit with it now whereas I guess we drowned it out (or tried to) before. Sleep well my friend xxx
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yes that’s exactly it. And we’re doing great !! ❤
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oh.my .god…i went thru this exact same thing back in November- at exactly 6 months into my 1st year of sobriety i started seeing my ex again thinking we could move forward. Did not want to think about the reality that we had already tried for several years off & on, and it never worked. Within weeks i was hooked again and in the end he rejected me because ( and i hate to admit this now) he knew that alcohol wasn’t our only issue. I was DEVASTATED for months. I am not a crying person but i spent a few nights bawling my eyes out in my room. I barely spoke to anyone. .Thing is..shit does happen. But often , down the road, we see the reason..it’s a hindsight thing. I cant tell you what your epiphany will be but it will hit you at some point. Loneliness is a bitch. But i would rather be lonely for a while than be with the wrong person for the wrong reasons( and thats what i was doing)…big hugs and i feel you!
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Yeah what Lovie said. Better than be lonely than with the wrong person. It takes tremendous strength, especially for those of us who are less pre-disposed to being content alone.
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yes yes yes. And now that my insane crying fit has ended, my brain has started to function again somewhat, and I can remember that breaking up was a GOOD thing and a mutual decision we both made for a reason. The jealousy thing just completely messed with my head for a few hours. Sigh. Emotions. xxxx Back on the path toward being content alone 🙂 ❤ Anne
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indeed..i really thought i was a loner for a long time, but staying single for a year, not even dating, showed me otherwise in the relationship context. I did learn a lot about myself though and by one year i figured i might be ok on my own after all..but a month later, met a wonderful guy:)
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I’m so happy you were able to spend time with yourself and then meet your partner 🙂 I’m learning so much about myself too, and even if it gets lonely sometimes, I’m also really grateful 🙂 But I’m definitely not a loner lololol xxx Anne
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Awww thanks Lovie. Yes, the crazy irony is that previously to getting all jealous, I was actually HAPPY that our (intense and somewhat dysfunctional) relationship was over and we would both move on to more fulfilling. I just got super triggered and lost all my common sense/ frontal cortex ^^ You’re absolutely right though: better be lonely now than waste time in a relationship that doesn’t work. ❤ Big hugs right back at you and thanks for commenting, it means a lot 🙂 xxx Anne
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H Anne!
I’d be crying with you. It’s such a hard situation you are in.
My single friends all say dating right now is impossible.
(One woman who is 70 complains that all the men her age look so old. Lol)
Big hugs back from Minnows!
xo
Wendy
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hahahaha thanks Wendy that cheered me up ❤ ❤ ❤ I feel better today. Big hugs from the south of France xxx Anne
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Ohhhhhh Dear… I may not have much advice on sobriety, but the mindf*ck that is online dating, the rejection, the absolute despair and ugly crying that comes with a breakup – I have been there and not too long ago (I have only been with hubs for less than 2.5 years). I get the pull of online dating, I jumped right in, I needed the attention and probably not in a healthy way. You need to think of it as a game, a numbers game. Meet people with little expectation like you said at this point it’s at least interesting to get out and talk to someone new. There ARE still wonderful men out there, it is a numbers game, the more you meet the more you learn, the better your chances. I was dating with two little kids in my mid 30’s and got really lucky. I hope you do too. Hugs.
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yes 🙂 I actually have plenty of men interested and am seeing a couple more this week, one for the third time. My silly brain only seems to want to focus on the hard to get/unavailable yes, and ignores the nice, available ones. but I’m not making the same mistakes again. This time I’m giving the nice guys a chance and letting the oysters stay closed. I refuse to chase unavailable men 🙂 wowowow that’s so cool you met your hubby in your 30s with 2 kids ❤ I'm so happy for you ❤
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2020, the official year of the Tinder walk…
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hehehehe yep. #2020 can’t wait to tell my grandchildren all about it ^^
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Yes to what everyone else said. Anne, I really relate to you with the ex and tinder. I was a tinder girl for a good 2 years (on and off) and can remember how soul crushing the dating can be. My friend once likened it to hunger games style of dating 😂🤦♀️. And I would’ve done exactly the same with an ex and then felt exactly the same too. Just know you’re awesome, so strong, resilient, clever and a lovely person. You’ve got this (altho it doesnt feel like that in the early hours of the morning). And that guy who you think is out of your league? Have you ever looked how far you’ve come, what you’ve achieved and think, mister actually I’m out of yours.
Big hugs xx
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hahahaha the hunger games of dating 🙂 love that image 🙂 ❤ yes, I'm letting "out of my league guy" go for now, and focusing on "guys who are interested", and there are plenty of those too. As for the ex, he was actually really sweet – when he realized I was upset he reminded me he loves me and that I can / will never be replaced. I'm back to functioning normally again today and I do want him to be happy, obviously. For now I'm going to take a bit of space and focus on me 🙂 Maybe in a year or so I can hear about his new girlfriends, but for now, no thank you 🙂 xxx Anne
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We tend to forget that we do not walk a straight line. It is up and down and left and right and back-and-forth, and hopefully with all the twists and turns we make some forward progress. In any grieving process you’re going to be hit by a wave of unhappy. It’s the way things go. Life is messy and scary and we as women are trained to believe that our worth lies in a man wanting us. Or a woman or whatever. We are taught that our value it’s the most obvious in relation to another. So yeah. Virtual hugs. Sit with your sadness and fear and make friends with it. Then after a suitable amount of time show it the door and move on. We’ve all been there, we understand. Wish I could do more than say these words.
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yes you are so right! This is the year I am trying hard to detach my self-worth from others’ reactions and acceptance of me. it’s hard! But I’m proud of myself: I sat with my sadness and just let it happen and now today, a new day, space has cleared and more clarity is possible. I’m not upset like I was, and to use your metaphor, I took a twisty turn and feel like I’m back on track again. Thank you so much for your comment ❤ ❤ ❤ xxx Anne
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I would have felt the exact same way, Anne. Your story sounded so familiar to me. Of course you don’t want to hear about him having a walk with another woman even though you are doing the same thing! You are feeling lonely and this is a supremely crappy situation to feel lonely in (lockdown, new town, new life). But you guys decided to break up for a reason. It’s just going to take time. Let yourself wallow and grieve your past life for as long as you need to. Sending ginormous hugs! xoxo 😘
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Yes ❤ Thank you Leafy ❤ We talked about it, I set boundaries and said my needs, we said we loved each others as friends, and I feel better. Oh and guess what, turns out Out of My League guy has been writing to me every day and looks like he is just one big giant introvert (with incredible looks). So self-esteem-wise I'm much better today 🙂 Now it's all about not having a self-esteem rollercoaster just because of other people's reactions and interest/validation. The path is a long and hard one! xxx Big hugs xxx Anne
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Ah yes, it is so easy to confuse shyness with lack of interest sometimes! And yeah, that is a hard rollercoaster to ride for sure!❤️
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😉 aaaaaah, life ^^
Hope you’re doing ok Leafy 🙂 I miss the US ^^
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Hug
I firmly believe most people cannot be friends with ex’s. It’s too painful and at some point one or the other will find new love and they ex will become an issue and will get cut out of the life.
You have an amazing opportunity here to find Anne. Don’t underestimate it.
It has been almost exactly 2 years since I separated from my ex husband after 25 years. I never realized how much I needed to find me. I have not dated and I don’t want to. I kind of wish I had done this 20 years ago…but whatever.
Be you. Find financial independence. Drink coffee at cafes alone. Watch movies you love. Learn to fix something.
Knowing who you are is an enormous joy. This is what I have found.
Hugs and love
Anne
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Awwww thanks Anne 🙂 I would love to drink coffee at cafes alone but we’re under lockdown 🙂 I am feeling much better and back on the road towards self0discovery though. thank you for such an inspirational comment ❤ xxx Anne
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Anne- come on what are you like! It’s one thing knowing something is logical and another being able to control our feelings – sounds like attachment issues rearing it’s head for you. Sounds like your ex can’t win. He sounds like he genuinely cares for you and unselfishly wants you to meet new people. I know you know that deep down. Bloody feelings eh? You will be Ok because you have so much going for you. Jim X
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yes yes he definitely cares a lot and yes, my anxious attachment issues got triggered like an allergic reaction: instant and out of proportion. but I’m all better now. xxxxx Anne
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That’s good to hear. X 😊
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