Dear wordpress friends,
It’s been so long, I apologize for being absent. Life has been intense these days, adapting to a new city, a new country, starting from scratch. I’ve been pushing myself to step out of my comfort zone and having fun opening up to strangers and seeing what comes. Life is full of precious moments and gifts and opening up if often the key to a stimulating, fulfilling experience.
Work-wise, one of my committee members hired me to edit her new book on the history of schizophrenia. So I’m covered until February. And learning lots of interesting facts.
Hobby-wise, I’m having the time of my life.
I’ve started rollerskating. Not rollerblading. The old school, four wheel, funky kind of skating. I love it. I’m still terrible but I’m making progress fast. It’s a great quarantine solo activity. Well, I thought it would be solo. But every time I see a girl with skates on I go up and talk to her. I introduce myself and say let’s skate together. And now I have a little group of skater friends. They’re all in their early twenties, and I’m turning 34 in a month… When I told them my age one of them said “oh my goodness I had no idea you were an adult” ^^
I’ve also started drawing again. I bought myself some watercolor pencils and some acrylic paint and I’ve been enjoying using all my extra time and putting it towards more creative ends. After the last few months of PhD insanity, these two regressive hobbies feel insanely good. I feel like a 10 year old child. I am full of joy and full of life. The rational part of my brain says I should be anxious due to the uncertainty of the future, and the awfulness of the present global conditions. But no…. I’m happy. I never would have suspected that I would enjoy this new life so quickly.
Of course, I miss my ex. And he’s having a hard time. He misses me a lot. I sent him a package with the analog prints of our California trip photos, and a whole series of paintings I made for him when I listened to his new solo album (the ex is a jazz musician, in case you forgot^^).
I’ve also been dating BOYSSS. And I opened up my tinder profile to girls too (even though so far the women I have met have given me more of a “friend” vibe than a sexual one). I’m in exploration mode. I’ve realized that many men are interested in me, that I’m not perfect, but I’m a gentle and genuine person who has done enough personal work to be able to navigate all the social awkwardness of dating with relative ease. Last night I surprised myself, taking physical initiatives and leadership with a man whom I invited over to my house.
But friends … the truth is, I have a crush. A big one. Not on last night-guy. Turns out I really, really, REALLY like “out of my league guy”. If you remember him from my previous post. His name is Jean. I’m extremely attracted to him, on both physical and intellectual levels. I think he likes me too, even though I feel like a blubbering nervous idiot every time I see him.. So far, we’ve been texting every day for the last month and a half, and our connection is getting deeper and deeper. We’ve only met in person about 4 or 5 times, but our conversations last for hours every time. HOWEVER, when we are physically close to each other (and even though we’ve declared our mutual attraction to each other in written form) we are both behaving like complete introverts… Every single time, I get shy and nervous, and nothing physical has happened yet.
We’ve talked about it. I explained my timid paralysis / sobriety shyness to him. He told me all about his insecurities, his introversion, and his rule about never initiating with women, as “for feminist reasons” he believes women should be left to make their move if they want to, but men should refrain (very #metoo). This rule surprised me, and sparked the insight that for the last 20 years, I’ve relied on alcohol to achieve disinhibition, and/or on men to make the first move, but I’ve NEVER been the one to take the risk and try anything physical unless I am 100% sure of the outcome. With the guy last night, it was easy. But initiating (sober) with someone I genuinely really really like, for some insane reason I cannot fathom, is much harder. I like the guy enough to give it a go at some point, though. Right now, I’m still torn between “I’m not good enough for him, he’s going to reject me and make fun of me” and “this person is deep and caring and has his own issues, it’s time to be brave and put myself out there”. If this ever goes anywhere, it could be a beautifully healing relationship for both of us.
So yeah, I have a girly girly crush. Another great thing about this guy is that he doesn’t drink either. I feel comfortable with him, when I’m not paralyzed by initiation-shyness.
I’m also trying hard to let go of being attached to a specific outcome. I’m keeping my options open, and remembering to focus on myself, my interests, my life, and my needs. I’m ok taking things slow. No more codependency love-addiction.
My family said I seem happy and calm and “in full bloom” 🙂
I have never been happier at the prospect of spending the holidays as a SOBER person in my alcoholic family. This year it’s not even an issue.
Hang in there everyone. I can’t wait for 2020 to be CANCELLED 🙂